Mothering like a lawyer: How to nurture your kids using legal principles that instill grit and grace

As an entertainment attorney and a mama, I’ve found my legal skills frequently apply to many aspects of my mothering. Early on, I was desperately grasping for ways to get my little one to listen to me without resorting to my father’s technique of “yelling” and “whoopins!”

But I can’t rationalize and negotiate with a toddler…or could I?

Over the past eight years I’ve experimented (like all parents do) with what works. I found that using the soft skills I learned as a lawyer could persuade my little one to come to a “meeting of the minds,” and we negotiated our way to a peaceful existence, instead of pushing and steamrolling like my parents had.

As a single mom raising a stubborn, opinionated, and creative ball of joy, I needed to be able to get her compliance but also give her the sovereignty she craved. So, I negotiated and rationalized with her before she could even talk. Initially, we used sign language to express her basic needs versus her wants. Now eight years old, my daughter has the confidence to navigate a cocktail party full of babbling lawyers, raise money for her own summer coding course, discuss her health with a doctor, and negotiate her way into creating a solution for almost any quarrel we face.

She doesn’t yell, she doesn’t tantrum. Success!

Well…not quite unequivocal success. There was an unintended result. She has a calm way of almost never accepting the first “No” and offers me a compromise first or some sort of barter system to create a path forward. It takes patience and does not have immediate results. It can take much longer to get compliance (unless it comes from my eyes with a stern look that says “Mom is gonna lose it and this is very serious”). We have to talk quite a bit about the potential consequences of her options and discuss the various feasibility of her choices and explain complex concepts that kids her age are usually not trusted with. But still, I would rather have this result than have her experience my parent’s unrealistic “my way or the highway” technique.

So how did I do it? I leaned on the consistency of a few legal principles.

Negotiation and reasoning. Negotiation, reasoning, persuasion, and compromise are all essential skills for a successful attorney, and, in my experience, invaluable tools for raising a child. A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found parents that negotiate and reason with their children have better relationships with them and are more successful in resolving conflicts. Mudrick, H. B., Nelson, J. A., Pylypciw, M., & Holub, S. C. (2023). Conflict and negotiation with preschoolers during family meals. Journal of Family Psychology, 37(7), 984–992.

In my day-to-day life as a lawyer, I negotiate deals, haggle over complex contract language, and find solutions for my client. I also use reasoning and persuasion to convince opposing parties to agree to terms amicably. Instead of ruling with an iron fist (like my parents), I’ve opted to use the tools that make me so successful at work and at home. It builds mutual trust, just as it would with a client. I’ve also found that it helps my daughter understand why certain rules and boundaries are in place, and we find solutions that work for both of us.

For example, when she was six she performed poorly on her school’s diagnostic test, and I relegated her to no TV during the school week. But I did not just say, “You did bad in school, so no iPad. Why? Because I said so!” I explained the rationale for the consequence just like I would to a client. I told her that her performance made me believe that her iPad and TV were a distraction from schoolwork, and my precocious child promptly set about seeking a compromise that would allow her to keep her iPad on deck.

And it worked. We found a solution I would have never thought of alone. We agreed that I would enroll her in tutoring twice a week and instead she could watch TV during the school week (provided she attended tutoring and completed 30 minutes of homework every day prior to watching such aforementioned audio-visual program). The lawyer in me added the final provision for good measure!

Since she was a vital part of creating the solution (and knew the consequences if she did not comply), my daughter followed the rule without complaint. By the end of 2nd Grade, she was on the Principal’s Honor Roll and received the “Most Improved in Math” award. By teaching her how to negotiate effectively, I am helping her develop critical communication and problem-solving skills that will serve her well in the future.

Grit and self-determination. A study in the Journal of Positive Psychology concluded that parents who encourage their children to develop grit and self-determination are more likely to raise resilient, successful individuals. Lawyers are particularly well-positioned to help instill these qualities.

But how do you develop grit and self-determination in a child? Grit is the ability to keep going even when things get tough. As lawyers, we regularly overcome challenges by setting achievable goals, providing support and resources, and seeing the value in sticking with difficult detail-oriented tasks.

In my eleven years of practice, I’ve learned that the same techniques I use with clients to achieve their goals can be used to foster grit and grace in my kid. I set clear milestones with my kid (after getting her feedback). I encourage persistence but create room for autonomy (no kid or client likes to be micromanaged). I also use personalized storytelling as a tool for problem-solving and to help foster a growth mindset. Last, but not least, I allowed her to see me fail and observe how I keep trying. My parents (by no fault of their own) tried to live a life of perfection with role model excellence, meaning they rarely could admit if they were wrong or made mistakes.

As another example, my daughter is a budding gymnast who had set her sights on learning how to do the splits. We made a vision board and hung it up in her room. We worked out a plan that involved stretching every day (watching fun YouTube videos) and taking gymnastics classes twice a week. She was discouraged the first few days because she wanted immediate results like she saw in the videos. During one stretching session, I attempted to show her how to do a split. I’m pretty sure my lack of flexibility made her realize she was doing far better in three days than I had with 37 years of yoga. My daughter burst into laughter at my puny attempt. But this moment of vulnerability on my part helped her understand that I’m not perfect and couldn’t reach the goal either without staying dedicated. This built up her resolve to continue stretching…and likely just trying to make me look bad in front of her friends, which is always a great motivator for a kid.

After a month of hard work, she accomplished her goal. She gained the confidence to expand her skills, eventually choosing to take up karate too.

Guided autonomy. As lawyers, our clients need the space to create their vision while still using our expert guidance. Similarly, parents can encourage their children to take ownership of their goals and to make decisions based on our feedback and guidance. This can help children develop a sense of autonomy and responsibility, which can foster intrinsic motivation. Instead of forcing simple choices upon my daughter, I found that if I give her a couple of safe choices (like you would a client), it encouraged my daughter to take ownership of her goals and activities but kept the boundaries that are within my expertise as her mom.

Storytelling. As lawyers, we regularly give our clients examples of how things have worked out in the past for similar scenarios or have cautionary tales to give them a better perspective. In the same way, I guide my daughter with personal anecdotes and am curious about her day. One of the easiest ways to teach my kid about grit was to model it myself and use storytelling to reinforce those moments. I talk to my daughter about some of the adult problems I face and share stories of my personal growth and resilience. She celebrates my accomplishments with me, which helps her see the value of perseverance and hard work. And of course, I help her identify and overcome her own challenges. Every week I ask her if she has any stressors (she usually says homework or a not-so-friendly classmate) and we address them by brainstorming multiple solutions, evaluating the pros and cons of each, and choosing the best option—just like any good lawyer would with a client.

Mothering into a better lawyer. Now, your child is not the only beneficiary of your efforts to become a better mother; mothering can help you become a better lawyer, too. A study published in the American Bar Association Journal found that lawyers who were also parents tended to have better time-management and delegation skills, as well as the ability to prioritize and manage multiple tasks. While there is no clear-cut evidence that being a parent makes you a better lawyer, there are certainly skills and experiences that overlap between the two roles.

By putting our lawyering skills to work in our mothering and vice versa, I believe lawyers are able to improve their effectiveness and better serve their clients and their children. Regardless of the studies, I now know that I’m a great lawyer because I’m a great mom. Or…is it that I’m an excellent mom because I’m an excellent lawyer? Either way, I’ll take the win.