Practicing with The Simpsons

When I was a law student, I strongly suspected that I could learn everything I needed to know about the people who work in law firms by watching a few episodes of The Simpsons. Now, as a young attorney, my suspicions have largely been confirmed. Here?s a brief run-down of the characters I?ve come across.

Homer Simpson
Almost every firm, nonprofit, government agency, and so on has a ?Homer? in its midst. I?m not just talking about a fat slob who eats 64 slices of American cheese in a single sitting?-although finding one of those is certainly a possibility. No, I?m talking about the person who, by the purest of pure dumb luck, ends up doing the right thing. This person averts a nuclear litigation disaster by covering his or her eyes and counting ?Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.? Voilà, case dismissed. Sanctions averted. Smoking gun found.
      As he?s presented on the show, Homer has numerous Grammys, Emmys, spacewalks, and other unlikely accomplishments under his belt. And almost all of them came because he did something stupid, such as make prank calls to NASA. A Homer is the sort of person who thinks that the late Earl Warren was a stripper, and he is deeply distraught that Justice Souter is in fact a nerd. A Homer is not likely to have his voice mail set up, because he does not know how to use a touch-tone phone. But when it comes to negotiations, the other side will cave in to Homer?s demands?out of frustration, realizing only later that Homer is not the brilliant tactician they?d initially thought he was. On pro bono matters, a Homer will win accolades for his enthusiasm. However, he works hard on such cases only to get rid of them. Homer also has an alcohol problem. In short, Homer is your average partner, district attorney, sanitation commissioner, or other elected official.

Marge Simpson
?Marge? is also likely to be partnership material, but not for the same reasons as Homer. A Marge is smart, works hard, and is very detail oriented. She got to where she is on the strength of her skills, intellect, and possibly lying on her résumé about speaking a foreign language. Although repulsed by the idea of working with Marge, a Homer finds her indispensable for covering up his own mistakes.
      But Marge is also the constant nagger. Those who work for a Marge will hear her asking a million questions: Did you include this case? Did you cite to that? Did you use an em dash instead of an en dash? A Marge will even hit ?reply to all? to correct a grammatical mistake in an email she receives. Because she works long hours without any vacation, Marge is prone to suffering a complete nervous breakdown, probably while driving to work.

Lisa Simpson
You probably went to law school with a ?Lisa,? especially if it was an Ivy League school. (For undergrad, she went to one of the Seven Sisters.) You know the type: academic standout, plays musical instruments, and pursued law for a greater social good?-probably vegetarianism, and was inspired by Paul and Linda McCartney. Only one or two other associates in the firm can match Lisa?s intellectual prowess. Unfortunately, she has no equals when it comes to pissing off just about everybody else.
      A Lisa joins a law firm only so she can pay off her loans as quickly as possible. And as long as she works at the firm, she will be a royal pain in the butt. Unlike Michael Clayton, Lisa will cross no ethical boundaries-?for the good of firm or family. She is especially opposed to stealing cable TV and bootlegging alcohol. Partners will frequently be tempted to send Lisa to her room to avoid hearing her protests. She will be the first in her class to leave a law firm for do-gooder opportunities in a third-world country.

Bart Simpson
?Bart? is Lisa?s direct rival. Bart did not go to the best schools. More likely than not, he went to a state school for undergrad and then to a law school hanging on to accreditation by a thread. Yet a Bart can talk his way out of any situation, especially a sanctions hearing of some sort. He proudly displays pictures of his fraternity brothers in his office. Bart is your ace golfer, star hockey player, and trained shoplifter. You probably know a Bart in your firm?s Dallas office.

Grampa Simpson/Troy McClure
If your firm has an old name partner still hanging around, chances are he is either a ?Grampa Simpson? or a ?Troy McClure.? The Grampa Simpson variety comes to work in slippers. He tells tales that are incredible on several levels. His name appears on all the briefs, but the work is really that of associates like Bart and Lisa.
      The Troy McClure variety is different. He is the senior partner who walks into your office and introduces himself thusly: ?Hi, I?m Joe Partner. You might remember me from such cases as Hawkins v. McGee.? The executive committee can?t get rid of him, and he simply refuses to go away.

Lionel Hutz
?Lionel Hutz? says he has law degrees from Harvard, Yale, MIT, Oxford, the Sorbonne, and the Louvre. But you?re probably not going to find a Lionel Hutz working as an attorney at a law firm. Instead, your firm is probably involved in the prosecution or defense of a legal malpractice claim against him.
      So what is a Hutz like? For one thing, he worries when one of his witnesses swears to tell the truth, and then actually does.
      If you open to the Discipline section of this very magazine, I guarantee that at least a few of the attorneys described there sound like they apprenticed under Hutz. Did the attorney promise to win a client?s case in 30 minutes, or the pizza is free? Did he run away screaming when the opposing party revealed ten high-priced lawyers? Did he or she tell a client, ?Sir, the State Bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.? Did he sue the producers of The Neverending Story for fraudulent advertising? Did he offer clients a belt of Scotch at 9:30 in the morning? Ask any Lisa, and she will confirm that Hutz is simply a shyster.

Moe Szyslak
The difference between a Moe Szyslak and a Lionel Hutz is that Moe has not yet been disciplined. Moe will expunge that DUI on your record while selling you a pint of Duff. Moe also traffics in endangered whale parts and participates in illegal gambling. Moe is your average sole practitioner.

Armen Adzhemyan is a first-year associate a the Los Angeles office of Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher.

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